Existential Angst - What To Be When I Grow Up?

As I was compulsively planning our wedding this time last year, it struck me that I was about to cross off the last major item on my long standing to do list. Adorable daughter... check. lucrative, flexible self-employment... check, dream house... check... finding a wonderful man to marry... BINGO... more kids... done. While others might find peace in this, my goal oriented alter ego found the lack of a road map unsettling. To make matters worse, I was working out regularly and dangerously close to my target weight.

While always grateful for my blessings, my eternal question kept coming up.... what's next? My life matched my design, but I still had a sinking feeling that somewhere on the path I'd gotten off track.

I've always had a burning desire to help the oppressed. A good chunk of my pre-Ron and kids life was spent working for and volunteering with a slew of worthy causes. But, I got disalusioned a decade ago and left full-time nonprofit for a career as a headhunter in high tech. I had enjoyed nonprofit work, but detested the "this is the way we always do things mentality" and I didn't feel like I was making enough of an impact. The last few years, I was mainly focused on raising Jiana and earning a living. I met Ron and was distracted by some personal challenges, namely a landslide and knee surgery. We began the process of blending a family. I spent less time volunteering. Now I found myself feeling out of integrity with my true life purpose. This was a mid-life crisis in the making.

I considered all sorts of radical career changes which would enable me to work in the helping field. But, realized it's impractical for me to go back to school full-time to train for a career where I would make half as much working more than I do now. I wish I was the type of person to be satisfied with that rationalization or embrace that I making enough of a difference as a mother, stepmother, wife, donor and active citizen to feel reconciled. But, I'm not and I can't. At the same time, of course, I get that I really do make a different as Jiana's mommy and for Ron and the kids and friends and family. And that I'm inspiring to some and all that. But, I still want to dive in and do more and start being on the front lines of solving global problems.

I've come to the conclusion that my real passion is to work on poverty alleviation in the developing world and in microfinance in particular. Only problem is that I have no desire to live full-time in the developing world. It only took one trip to Nepal to quelsh that fantasy. And as I recall, even living in Japan had it's hardships.

Over the past year, as I was obsessing over wedding details, I've also been searching for some international projects to support. I started in the most obvious place, seeking out projects in Kazakhstan. But, haven't been able to make the right connections there and my lack of Russian language abilities is a prob. Through Pulsewire.net, an internet community for global activists, I've had more luck connecting with projects in Africa and in Rwanda in particular. I've become friends with Anne-Christine D'Adesky, a well-known journalist and international AIDS activist living San Francisco who runs an NGO and orphanage in Rwanda. While I'm less clear on how I am going to take on projects in Africa or where ever with a little one in tow and a husband I actually want to spend time with and limited opportunity to take off and travel, I think I may have stumbled back onto the right path. Just made lunch plans with Anne-Christine for the day after xmas.